Here is an irreverent poem, inspired by an old Friends episode about an ugly baby. Here’s mine.
The Ugly Baby
The ugly baby has a face
Frankenstein might like,
certainly not a mother,
unless it’s a mother mole with
dim eyes loving mewing things
that suckle by touch only
or feed in complete darkness.
Only a blind mother could
stomach an ugly baby.
The stork refuses to haul such an ugly baby.
It comes in an ugly brown truck instead,
swaddled in a dirty rag and sleeping on
nickle circulars almost soft and
When an ugly baby is delivered,
a cry goes up in the neighborhood
and everyone looks away.
When an ugly baby comes, everyone
says it has your best features
and makes comments about
pretty clown feet and bulbous nose,
did you see the eye-poppers on that mug?
Secretly, admirers murmur together about
drinking while pregnant and smoking weed
and watching too many Ugly Baby episodes.
It’s easy to ignore an ugly baby,
everyone has at least just one–
or maybe two–
somewhere around the house,
crying for attention or some
kind of bottle and a clean one.
Mother instincts are in short supply
and this one wails awful loud.
Tonight when it’s asleep,
wrap this one up in a fresh rag
and sneak it over to the neighbor’s
front door, for a sweet surprise
in the morning when the ugly baby
wakes up hungry and needing a change.