This isn’t a poem, but a letter I wrote to the editors of local newspapers, who ignored it. That makes this letter prime grist for this blog. It’s all in fun,or is it?
A Modest Postal Proposal
As you know, our US Postal System is under the gun to cut costs and save money. One way is to kill 100 Post Offices in rural areas of Nebraska, which only bring in an average 30,000 a year versus 100K expenses (stats courtesy Congressman Fortenberry). Why not eliminate all 2,500 US Post Offices in the state and subcontract our mail to a local Walmart?
Think about it: there’s a Walmart within easy driving distance of every shopper in Nebraska. It’d be a snap to put in mail centers right inside the doors, using that wall of failed goods Walmart can’t even give away, cookies from 1997, Elmo action figures, and wilted flowers.
Heck, those nice greeters would make great Walmart mailmen! They’ve already proved their loyalty, letting neither sleet nor rain, nor three-wheeled grocery carts keep them from smiling. Add stuffing customer mailboxes to their duties.
Walmart would benefit from daily visits from customers eager to get their Chase Bank credit card offers, charitable organization pleas, and bills. The bright lights and wide aisles of endless colorful items for sale beckon mightily after fetching the mail.
Don’t hesitate—contact your Congressman today and let’s get this ball rolling.